April 1st, 2017
I wish so much that this post was an April Fool's Day joke. Unfortunately, the last several days have really happened.
On Wednesday I went in for a 15 week check-up. I thank Heavenly Father that my mother had decided to come with me at the last minute, as I had planned to go alone.
After asking Dr.Martin a half-hours worth of questions, she said the visit would conclude with a quick check of the baby's heartbeat and we'd be on our way.
When she placed the Doppler on my belly and there were no obvious sounds, my eyes widened and looked over at my mom. Just moments before I had heard loud and clear the fast "woosh, woosh" of another mom-to-be's baby's heart beat from another examination room. I knew what I should have heard.
Dr. Martin said, "I think this Doppler needs new batteries, I am going to grab the mini ultrasound machine" which she did. I asked her if she was worried. She said, "no..."
Within a few moments after she started to move the ultra sound machine around, I knew what was happening. It was one of those moments of disbelief and shock that his could be happening to me. There was no heart beat--not audible or visible. At only 8 weeks, our doctor was able to visually detect it and point it out very quickly using this same little machine. I could only think of one reason that wouldn't be the case now at almost 16 weeks. My doctor used vague language to say that she wanted to get me into the real ultrasound next door to see what was going on.
She left us for about 10 minutes. Immediately I started crying and my mom held me. She kept saying, "It will be ok. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will be ok."
She shared with me that she had had a miscarriage before Gary (my oldest brother) and again between Gary and me. She said, "And looked what I got? You."
After what seemed like forever, the moment I was waiting for and dreaded all at the same time came. The ultra sound technician called us in. The twisted position of her lips during her examination and labeling and measuring of the baby's parts confirmed my fear. She showed us baby's head. She showed us baby's chest. She showed us blood flow in the uterus. She said, you can see the blood flow around the area. And I said, "but no 'woosh, woosh.'" She looked at my with concern and said, "no.... I'm so sorry."
She zoomed back out to an image of the whole baby. She asked if I wanted her to print that image for us to keep. I said "yes."
She gave me materials to clean up the gel and with tears streaming we went back to see the doctor.
The rest was a whirlwind of questions and answers about what we have to do next and what the possibilities were in the future.
The baby measured between 13-14 weeks and should have been between 15-16 weeks. Although it is impossible to determine exactly when the baby died, we can guess that it was between a week and two weeks prior. She confirmed that she was absolutely sure that it was nothing I did or didn't do. We will do several tests to determine a cause or a reason, but sometimes there just aren't answers.
After getting blood drawn and getting other information and referral to schedule a procedure to clean out my uterus, I then had to figure out how to tell Heath.
We decided to drive to his work in Seattle. I called him from the lobby, told him I was there and asked if he could come down. When he got there he had concern in his eyes and asked if everything was ok. My voice quivered as I responded "no" and embraced him. He took my hand and lead me outside for some privacy. I simply said, "there was no heart beat." We held each other and cried. Feeling and thinking a million things at once. It was a whirlwind of sorrow, missed opportunity, wasted time, disappointment of potentials unrealized............. but also faith in God's plan and hope that there was a purpose we just didn't understand......
After who knows how long just standing there, Heath said, "Let's go home."
He went back upstairs to cancel the rest of the days meetings and let his boss know he was leaving.
I shared details about all we had been through earlier that day. My sweet mom called the doctor to schedule the D and E procedure (Dilation and Evacuation...some use the terms D and C, meaning Dilation and Curettage, but even with several searches, I was unable to determine a definite difference).
Yesterday, Friday, March 31st Heath took me to the All Women's Health Care center in Seattle for the D and E procedure. The staff was wonderful, even though the feeling of being in a place where we knew abortions took place as well as a little grey and creepy. We looked past that and had a smooth and comfortable experience. They thoroughly answered my questions and made me feel important and cared for.
Shortly after, we stopped to get something to eat and I threw up. I had severe cramps on the way home, but upon arriving home, the pain meds kicked in and the bleeding dwindled significantly. I was comfortable and able to relax and rest the remainder of the night.
Though we have shed many tears over the past couple of days, we have had some wonderful experiences. I am so grateful for Heath who has been able to find ways to include laughter during this hard time. We have been humbled by how many friends and family members have reached out to us. Our kitchen Island is filled with flowers and cards and treats. We have had dinner brought to us each night for the last several days. We can feel the power and peace that has come from all the prayers of our faithful friends and family. We feel very loved and supported.
While we are saddened by this loss, we are hopeful for our future. We are optimistic that we will have another chance to start our family. We look forward to the day we can bring home a baby to keep.
Before the procedure yesterday, Heath gave me a beautiful blessing, which I would like to leave as the last thoughts of this post:
March 31st, 2017
Blessing by Heath Bryant
"I bless you with confidence that all of your efforts have been approved by the Lord.
I bless you with vision of your progress that has shaped your desires
and changed your heart to the point that it can be broken. Heavenly
Father's greatest blessings require a broken heart... and a contrite spirit.
I bless you with confidence in the abilities of the medical
professionals that will serve you today and your body that it will
handle the procedure well.
I bless you with an understanding, perhaps not right away, but one that
will develop over time as to the fate of the little one that was unable
to complete his journey to our family."
