2/12/2017
My emotions are nearly un-containable.
Let me try my best to describe.....
I was driving home on this beautiful sunny winter Sunday, from the Lake Holm building where I participated in their ward conference as part of my stake young women's calling.
I put on a song I had heard on the way over.
It seemed like the perfect motto for my mommy life that is on its way.
The shadows of the trees danced with streams of sunbursts over the wind shield as I cruised and the words and music overcame me.
I imagined holding my little baby, swaddled in a thin soft blanket, rocking her in the glider near her bedroom window. The glow of the hall light peeking through the crack in the door, dusting my little baby's face with light. I gaze at her with adoration and hope and faith. I imagined singing her the words of the song...
"You're a little piece of heaven.
You're a golden ray of light.
And I wish I could protect you,
From all the worries of this life.
But if there's one thing I could tell you,
It's "No matter what you do,
Hold on to Jesus, He's holding on to you."
Tears welled in my eyes. Emotion filled my heart. I think in this moment I became a mom. I am filled with hope for what this little baby will become. I was filled with dedication to teach her this truth. I envisioned days ahead when she would face trials, challenges, bullies, brats, all that is bad in the world and she would remember the words of this song her mommy used to sing to her at night as a baby and a child.
"The world will try to tell you,
That might is more than right.
That beauty's on the outside
And being good's a losing fight.
But remember what I've told you,
'Cause the world will make you choose,
'Hold onto Jesus, He's holding onto you.'"
I've listened to the song over and over today. I can't stop the tears. It's probably mostly pregnancy hormones than anything, but I feel so many things. She is coming in to the world in a tough time. But, she will be strong and brave. She will face tough stuff, but she will do what is right. The bigness of starting, guiding, experiencing, observing, and setting free another soul is overwhelming. Not in a bad way. I can't figure out how to say it...it's just big. It's an honor. It's terrifying. It's exciting. It's daring. It's deepening for the soul. It's purpose giving. It's faith promoting.
I have so much love for her already.
"Hold on to Jesus, and cling to his love.
Rest deep in his mercy, whenever things get rough.
Don't lose sight of his goodness, And don't ever doubt this truth,
that when you hold onto Jesus, He's holdin' onto you"
Then of course, I imagine leaving her sleeping little bundle, gently in the crib, and backing slowly away from her, in awe at what she might become and accomplish, and most of all harboring the most earnest prayer of my heart:
"Hear me dear Jesus,
Rock this little one to sleep,
Keep her close when she's scared,
and give her grace when she is weak.
I know she'll stumble, but I know she'll make it through
if you hold onto her just like you said you'd do
Hold her Jesus, so she'll hold on tight to you."
I know the way to happiness is holding on to Jesus. It's really the only way through the tar and mud of this life. I am so grateful to feel that, to know that. I'm grateful for my experiences facing opposition and the opportunity to learn of the Savior's love, mercy, and power through choosing right and feeling good and sometimes choosing wrong and repenting. Both ways make you stronger. Both are ways to hold to Jesus.
If there is one thing my little baby learns from her mom, I hope it is this: Hold on to Jesus.
It is the only way through this life to true and lasting happiness.
Click here to listen to the song: "Hold on to Jesus"
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